Once upon a time, all men were pigs. They were sexist, smelly, boorish drunks who wouldn’t lift a finger to help their wives around the house and certainly wouldn’t help with any childrearing chores.
Then one day, feminism happened. Women liberated themselves and in the process gave the more enlightened of our gender the opportunity to re-examine their societal roles and to liberate themselves as well. These men became more conscious of the expectations placed upon them and became more sensitive and aware of their relationship to their wives and family. As women increasingly entered the workforce, men found themselves in a position where being lazy on the home front was no longer an option. If they didn’t help out when their wives were working, the work simply wouldn’t get done.
So the men, reluctantly at first, started helping out. And a strange thing happened. These men who started becoming more involved in working around the house found it rewarding. Helping with the children allowed the dads to bond with their offspring in a more loving and human way than had been experienced in previous generations. And a more equitable division of domestic tasks promoted a more genuine feeling of togetherness between husband and wife. All was well. The liberation of women had also resulted in a liberation of men and together both genders had advanced from the abyss of sexism to the rarified apex of gender equality.
Or so we guys thought.
It turns out we had been horribly misled. While we guys thought we were being helpful, it now turns out that every diaper changed and every armoire dusted was a veritable knife driven into our spouse’s hearts. And the tragedy is compounded by the fact we thought we were doing the right thing!
You see, researchers at the University of Texas in Austin have just completed a study indicating that husbands who are competent with parenting and domestic duties are destroying the self-esteem of their wives! We thought we were being helpful while we were actually putting them through an emotional Cuisinart!
This travesty must be corrected! From now on, the self-esteem of my beloved spouse will be my top priority! No more helping around the house! The kids can fend for themselves! I simply will not, through my actions, condemn my wife to the apocalypse of low self-esteem!
So tonight, when I yell “Gimme a beer, bitch!” from the sofa during the big game, please be aware I’m doing it for HER benefit, not mine. It will be difficult, but sacrifices will have to be made. Her self-esteem is far too precious to go unprotected!