Sunday, May 23, 2010

Rand Paul's America

Flint, MI. The year 2018…

The local outlet of the seafood restaurant chain Red Flounder has announced a new dining option made possible by the repeal of Title II of the Civil Rights Act of 1964. That law, recently terminated after pressure was placed on Congress by President Rand Paul, had prevented discrimination based on race by privately-owned places of public accommodation, such as restaurants, hotels and theatres.

This new experimental dining arrangement will be called “White Wednesdays", during which only white patrons will be served in the restaurant on that day.

Restaurant manager Biff Fratboy explained the new program.

“We had done some market research and focus group studies which found some interesting opportunities for expanding our business. Ironically, our great success among the African-American community was preventing expansion among the white customer base,” Fratboy said. “We had comments that many potential white customers referred to our restaurant as ‘Black Flounder’ and were less likely to eat here because of that. We have instituted ‘White Wednesdays’ in an attempt to broaden our appeal to that consumer segment.”

Fratboy was careful to counter charges that the White Wednesday program, while now legal, could be perceived as racist.

“Red Flounder abhors racism in all its forms,” explained Fratboy. “The White Wednesday program isn’t racist; it is simply a means by which Red Flounder can better accommodate those customers who have expressed a preference for a more homogeneous dining experience. Red Flounder is merely exercising its liberty as a privately-owned company to better serve the needs of its customers in a capitalist economy. If our business declines on White Wednesdays, we will stop having them, since continuing it in that circumstance would hurt our bottom line. It’s the free market in action! Who could be against THAT? Socialists, perhaps?”

Fratboy explained that Red Flounder would continue to serve its non-white customers: “Red Flounder is committed to serving the seafood needs of our non-white customers. They are welcome to eat in our establishment from Thursday through Tuesday. In addition, we are spending $30,000 to install a special drive-through window which will serve all races on Wednesdays. That’s right! We’re spending $30,000 in order to specially serve our non-white customers! Does that sound like something a racist company would do?”

Fratboy noted that the program, if successful, may be expanded.

“We might even pay tribute to the dream of Dr. Martin Luther King for a society based on racial unity by serving blacks only on the King Holiday,” said Fratboy.

“Provided King Day doesn’t fall on a Wednesday, of course.”

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