Thursday, May 13, 2010

A Job for Me

Having spent over a year looking for a job, I was beginning to wonder if the only job for which I am qualified is price checker at a dollar store.
"How much for this picture frame?"
"One dollar."
"How much for these potato chips?"
"One dollar."
Until today, that is. I think I've found a second job at which I would be amazingly good. That job? God.
No, that wasn't some sort of exclamation. I mean "God" as in the job title. You know... I could be God. I just don't know where to apply or when the current holder of that position will be applying for retirement. He must, after all, be getting quite old and I would assume he would be eligible for Social Security benefits soon even under the new guidelines.
I got this brilliant idea while reading this morning's paper. There was a quote from an Anglican archbishop regarding a plane crash that occurred in Libya. There were 104 passengers. 103 died. The archbishop was quoted as saying "We thank God for the sole survivor."
Really? Can you imagine any other job in which one is metaphysically responsible for the lives of 104 people and - after 103 of them die - you still end up getting thanked? Talk about a job where the bar is set low! I can just imagine the performance evaluations: "Displayed a success rate of less than 1% on the recent Libyan air crash. Excellent work!"
Hell, I could do that! Time to work on my cover letter!


  1. Of course he's also thanking God for causing the deaths of the other 103. because it was all a part of his divine plan. Without the divine plan, we'd all die. Or something like that. Maybe. We don't actually know the plan. But we can assume it's not nefarious because he let that one kid live. Right?

  2. Randy Newman wrote a song from God's perspective. It's on the "Sail Away" album and it's titled "God's Song (That's Why I love Mankind)." Here's one of the verses:

    I burn down your cities--how blind you must be
    I take from you your children and you say how blessed are we
    You must all be crazy to put your faith in me
    That's why i love mankind
    You really need me
    That's why i love mankind

    An awesome song.